Gone From My Sight

My dad is gone from my sight but forever in my heart. 

During his final months I was able to pour out my love and gratitude on him...this was nothing new. He always knew I loved and adored him. Thankfully we lived close to each other. In the final months I often sat at his feet or beside his bed. I needed to understand what was happening to him and his body...as if knowing would allow me to help him along the way. I learned a lot about dying...it's a road to be walked alone. I found two books very helpful. "Gone From My Sight" by Barbara Karnes and "Final Gifts" by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. 

My dad taught me to appreciate art. He dabbled in oils for a few years and later on became a serious art collector. He showed me through example that art was something of value to appreciate and enjoy. He knew what art meant to me and he was proud of my achievements. He loved to hear my stories about art shows, workshops, plein air painting, and travels. He would beam with joy.

My Dad lived a good life and he’s lived it his way. He retired in his early 50’s. Had more adventures than most people dream of. He was generous and we enjoyed many adventures with him. We’ve flown in his hot air balloons, sailed in his boats, backpacked and hiked the High Sierras, rode horses & motorcycles, snow skied & snowmobiled, mountain biked, travel to distant lands…and we shared more cookies and ice cream than you’d ever imagine. He had a sweet tooth!

Recently I was given a picture of my dad. I put our childhood pictures

together and noticed something. Seeing a little bit of me in his face brings me comfort. It reminds me that from the beginning he has been alive in me and that he isn't completely gone. A piece of him lives on, in me. Not only through his likeness but in my love of art, the outdoors, hiking...and cookies!

Even in my sadness I feel blessed.
Brenda




Dear Friends, Your emails and messages have been overwhelming. Thank you for all the kind words, understanding and comfort. My grief is lessened in knowing I am not alone. Thank you my friends.

Hugs, Brenda

A Time of Reflection

Hope you'll allow me to share whats going on in my life. This last year has been an emotional roller coaster. Often I've had one foot in joy and one foot in grief. I've been blessed with a healthy new grand child named Caleb, my son Daniel continues to be cancer free, my son Thomas had a successful salmon season on his own boat, I spent 25 days in Italy teaching and painting, I’ve enjoyed numerous artistic achievements and we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. I have so much to be thankful for...and I am!

In July this year I lost my Step-Dad Jere to cancer. I've spent more time with my Mom in these last few months. I enjoy our weekly get togethers. Were getting to know each other in a new way. It's a nice experience.

Doing what he loved most...hiking.

Now I fear the greatest sorrow will visit me soon. My dad, Wes has been fighting cancer for 14 years. The day before Thanksgiving he began Hospice Care of home. I spend time with him every day. Some days he is alert and we have fun conversations and some days he barely wakes at all. But sleeping is probably the best thing right now. Hospice is doing their best but the pain is difficult to keep under control.

My Dad has lived a good life and he’s lived it his way. He retired in his early 50’s. Had more adventures than most people dream of. He’s been generous with “his girls” and shared the adventure along the way. We’ve flown in his hot air balloons, sailed in his boats, backpacked and hiked the High Sierras, rode horses & motorcycles, snow skied & snowmobiled, mountain biked, travel to distant lands…and shared more cookies and ice cream than you’d ever imagine! He taught me to appreciate art and bought me my first easel.  I love my dad.

Sharing a sketchbook with Dad.

I have no false illusions that my Dad will get better…I know that. I would like to ask for your prayers. Please pray for my dad, his wife Sheryle and all his girls. Help us to be there for him and for each other as we learn to live without him.

Without question, I’ve entered the Advent season with a heavy heart.  I remain thankful for all the blessings in my life and I start each day with prayers of thanks. The tears fall...a lot. I am thankful for the memories that will last a lifetime, hope, faith, family, friends, and art! 

Blessings, Brenda

What a Difference a Year Makes!

April 2013

To my fellow artist and friends,

 It’s been exactly a year since my son Daniel had his final treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma...an update is in order. 

When I think back over those many months of treatment and the emotional journey I am glad to look forward! During the difficult months we were lifted up by your kind words, emails, phone calls and prayers. Today the doctors say Daniel is in remission…Praise God! They won’t use the word “cured” until he is free from cancer for five years. When Daniel finished chemo he was ready to move forward and never look back. Much to his dismay that is not the life of someone who’s had cancer.  He still has side effects from the chemo, doctor appointments, tests, more tests, scans… At times this depresses him. 

April 2014

Daniel is enjoying being out of school, working hard as a mechanical engineer, buying their first home and all the responsibilities of home ownership. 

Heidi is very busy with Joshua and Nevaeh, working at home, church, Mom's Club, teaching the kids... She's one of the most natural parents I’ve ever known (I could of learned a lot from her when I was raising my boys). The big news around their home is...they are expecting another child!

Life has its highs and lows and we are not immune from fear, pain and sorrow.  But, I feel grateful beyond words for blessings in life. 

Do not squander time...it's what life is made of.

     Brenda

Twenty-Nine Years and Counting!

Mike and I were married on a three-masted schooner sailing out of Ports O' Call, San Pedro CA. When our wedding vows were completed they fired the cannons from both sides of the ship.  That was twenty nine years ago... I was 25 years old and overtaken by the love of a man I hardly knew. I was worried about being able to love him as much as he loved me...our first date was nine weeks earlier.
How did he win my heart so quickly? The answer is easy... He loved my children. Shortly after our first date he picked me up from work. When I got in the car he asked me, "what does your son need?". He proceeded to take me shopping and filled the shopping cart with clothes and a new car seat for my son.

Early in our marriage Mike recognized the creative spirit in me and encouraged it.  He watched me try my hand at different creative ventures. I experimented with porcelain painting, ceramics, quilting, woodwork... What I really wanted to do was draw and paint but I was afraid I wasn't good enough (I was discouraged as a child). I finally got enough courage to attend classes at the community college. Mike knew how nervous I was. He even bought me a new outfit for school! I was only attending class one day a week. The most valuable thing he gave me was courage to believe in myself.
We have evolved a lot over the years. I am a better person today because of his love. He has helped me grow artistically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have love him with all my heart.

It feels appropriate that I share with you how Mike's love played a part in my life. I am an artist because of his belief in me, love, and freedom to find my way. This short video tells a little more of the story. 

Happy Painting! 
Brenda

Daniel

Daniel finished his last chemo treatment! He's now past the yucky stage and back to feeling well. He also had his PICC line removed and couldn't be happier! Except for a little bit of scar tissue underneath the skin where the tube was inserted, there is no evidence that a PICC line was there. Now Daniel is a free man until…until next month. He'll have a bunch of blood work done and a check-up by the doc, but no chemo drugs! At this appointment the doctor will determine when his next PET scan will be, but he mentioned that it most likely won't be until the fall. By then, six months will have passed and they'll have a good idea whether the cancer will come back. Hodgkin's Lymphoma is easily cured however, and rarely returns. After another PET scan this year, he'll only have one scan a year for five years. If the cancer has not returned after 5 years, he will be considered cured.

So what does Daniel's life look like now that he's in remission? It's busier than when he had cancer! He started his last quarter of the mechanical engineering program at Cal Poly and he's taking 20 units. The school load is pretty much insane, but he's making up for taking an easier load last quarter. Six classes is all that stands between him and graduation! June 15th can't come soon enough! In between all the classes and homework, Daniel works part time and has been going to lots of career fairs and job interviews. He's had 6 interviews! His choices for employment are looking better and better each week. God is answering our prayers! I look forward to seeing how His plan continues to unfold for Daniel and his family.

Life is also a lot calmer for his wife, Heidi. She’s not consumed with doctor appointments, lining up baby sitters, endless paper work with medical bills, a sick husband… No doubt cancer is hard on the patient but Heidi has carried a burden that was at times beyond my comprehension! In the last nine months she has walked through the fire.

I would like to share Heidi's words with you. “To be honest, I am in a much better place spiritually, emotionally, and physically than I was 9 months ago. I truly am thankful for this trial the Lord allowed us to go through because it taught me lessons that I know I wouldn't have learned otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I had A LOT of days where I wanted to give up. I wanted to complain, whine, and throw a major pity party. That was probably the biggest lesson I learned: refusing to complain and choosing to be thankful instead. The conscious effort to praise the Lord rather than focus on myself has not come naturally. Of course I still have much to learn, but I feel spiritually refreshed.” ~Heidi Davison

I want to thank everyone who held Daniel and Heidi in prayer. This mother’s heart is filled with joy, gratitude, and relief beyond words. I can never thank you enough!

Brenda

Daniel

Life has been very chaotic for Daniel, Heidi and their small children. In the midst of going through chemo treatments, mid-terms at Cal Poly, job interviews…they have moved. I don’t think I could imagine a more stressful situation…and yet God working through all of us has provided for their needs. I can’t thank you enough for your prayers, help with moving, baby sitting, house cleaning, home repairs, painting…and meals! I owe you a debt of gratitude.  

Last week the doctor called with Daniel’s PET scan results. The tech's exact words were "there is a significant decrease in size and activity". This means the chemo treatments are working!  The doctor said he was calling this one… a VICTORY! Even though the PET scan came back clear, the doctor still wants Daniel to finish treatments. However, he did say that he most likely won't be giving him another PET scan because he was pleased enough with the progress and results. You don't want to have more PET scans than necessary because you expose your body to radioactive material that can cause damage. So for the doc to say that Dan doesn't need another was very encouraging. That means that 7 weeks from now, he'll be done!  

Please continue to hold Daniel in prayer, his risk of infection is high. He has two more months of chemo (four treatments). This June he is scheduled to graduate from Cal Poly Pomona with a degree in Mechanical Engineering!  

I love this picture of Daniel! I took it two weeks before he was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, last September. He has always had a great sense of humor, spirit, energy and what I call “bounce” the ability to come back from adversity. This picture says to me… VICTORY!

With a grateful heart,

Brenda

Daniel

My boys! Thomas on left and Daniel.

I want to thank everyone for your continue thoughts and prayers for my son Daniel.

...we are now halfway through chemo treatments. We’re not jumping up and down about it, but glad these four months are now behind us and we're not looking down a dark six month tunnel anymore. Another twelve weeks and he will finish chemo and then have another round of CT scans and PET scans to make sure the cancer is GONE. Hodgkin's Lymphoma has a high success rate with 95% of the patients going into remission and then being cured. Remission is declared when cancer can no longer be found in the body; cured is defined as five years without any re-occurrence. We are praying for remission and expect a cure…God is good!
Last Friday Daniel had chemo. He is always wiped out afterwards and tries to eat a little something, if anything at all, and then goes straight to bed. He wakes a few times to take his anti-nausea medication, but other than that, he's out until the next morning. When he wakes up, he's usually just tired and weak. Everything has a metallic taste after chemo, so certain things don't sound good to eat. It's not until day five (after chemo) that his taste buds start working again.
After his first chemo treatment his white blood cells dropped dangerously low. He was prescribed, Neulasta shots. This is the liquid gold that increases his white blood count to keep him from getting sick. He started treatment getting the shot once a month, but it wasn't enough. On round four of chemo he started having the shot every treatment and he feels a big difference. Even though it causes bone pain, it's manageable with ibuprofen and rest. After two days, he feels his energy kick back up and he's the little energizer bunny until the next treatment. And he's going to need that energy because classes started again at Cal Poly.
He has 12 units this quarter, another full load, but his classes are only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so it is a little more manageable. God willing, he may not have to miss any classes if he continues to have his chemo treatments on Fridays. We'll see. We've learned not to plan too far ahead. We take it one day at a time. The winter quarter will be over the same time as chemo. That means his spring quarter will be packed to the max with his senior project and final units. But again, God willing, we will hear pomp and circumstance in June and see that diploma in hand!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that chemo-brain goes away and he can think clearly, no set back from illness (colds, flu...), for good attitudes and cheerful spirits with a mind always focused on Christ.

Thank you my friends!

Brenda

My favorite picture of us. I couldn't love them more!

Daniel

Thank you for all the emails, prayers and good wishes. Here is the up-date on my son, Daniel.

Daniel and his great sense of humor!

October 11th, Bone Marrow Biopsy

October 16th, PET/CT Scan

October 18th, Test Results  

The lymphoma has not moved past the diaphragm or into the bone marrow. This is great news because it means the cancer has not gone into his organs or bones! Praise the Lord!

At out-patient they inserted a PICC line. This is like a permanent IV so that he doesn't have to get stuck for every treatment. The PICC line starts on the inside of his right upper arm and travels all the way up the arm, across the chest, and ends right above the heart. This way, when the chemo drugs are delivered they are right next to the heart that can immediately pump them throughout his system. The PICC line also protects from multiple veins collapsing through new IV inserts or blood draws. They can actually draw blood through his PICC line as well. The procedure took about an hour. Daniel will need chemo therapy every 2 weeks for 6 months.

October 23rd, Chemo Begins
He was at the doctors for 6 hours. When he got home he was exhausted. He had something to eat and mostly slept. The next morning his efforts to go to school were well-intentioned but he was just too fatigued to make it out the door. He crawled back in bed and slept until 11. He basically felt cruddy for 4 days. He slept a lot, said food tasted slightly metallic, had a difficult time focusing.

Daniel, Heidi Joshua and Nevaeh

October 28th, Feeling better!

Today Daniel and Heidi brought their daughter Nevaeh before the congregation. She was dedicated, and will be baptized when she is old enough to make a conscious decision of what it means to be a Christian.

Heidi is a wonderful daughter–in-love! I love her beyond words and I am so thankful for the bond we share. She is the perfect mate for Daniel and an amazing mommy to two tiny children. Joshua is 17 months, and Nevaeh is 4 months old.

The family has many prayer concerns and I am passing along their list.

1) Complete healing with little to no side effects along the way.
2) Daniel is attending Cal Poly to be a Mechanical Engineer. Energy to finish school work and wisdom to know when to put the books down.
3) No sickness (it's very easy to catch the flu with no immune system).
4) Patience with our babies.
5) Taking our stress to the Lord and not out on each other.
6) Critical illness insurance approval (they have received all documents and approval is pending).
7) Acceptance into cancer financial assistance programs (Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and The Beckstrand Cancer Foundation).
8) Wisdom in navigating the insurance claims and bills.

All of you who have been so faithful to pray for us, the Lord is listening and honoring your prayers. Thank you!

Please know I haven’t departed from my art related posts. I have something special to share and I will have it posted in a couple days.

Brenda

The Bitter With the Sweet

Trinidad Memorial Lighthouse

Buoys in the yard

It's always better to start with the sweet...so here I go.

Sweet
A couple weeks ago my youngest son Daniel and I made a trip to Northern California to spend time with my oldest son Thomas. It was supposed to be two short flights but when our second flight was canceled we decided to rent a car and make the final leg of the journey. That six-hour drive became a road trip that Daniel and I will remember for a long time. Both of us lead busy lives and it had been a while since we had time alone together.  Daniel is attending school full time at Cal Poly to become a mechanical engineer, works part-time and has a wife and two very young children (15 months and 12 weeks). 

 
One of the objectives of this trip was for me to have time with my sons but more importantly time for brothers to be together. On Saturday Thomas took Daniel fishing on his boat. While they spent the day out at sea I spent the day on shore sketching. On Sunday the guys cleaned and filleted fish while Lisa (Thomas's girlfriend) and I went for a walk at Patrick's Point State Park.  Lisa works at the State Park and is a wealth of information...she pointed out edible mushrooms, berries, rock formations, animals and all sorts of birds. When we got back I sketched at the house.

Thomas and the King Salmon

That evening the guys made a wonderful dinner. Lisa and I added to the table by making a boysenberry pie with berries picked in the yard. On Monday morning Thomas took us for a tour the harbor in his boat. Afterwards we packed a lunch, the two dogs (Pixie and Petie) and drove to the Trinity River. Lisa and I sat on the shore while the guys went fishing. Thomas caught a 10 pound King Salmon. It was beautiful to watch him rock the fish back-and-forth in the water. This forced fresh water and air though its gills. Once revived Thomas pointed the fish upstream and released it. On Tuesday Daniel and I made our trip home and return to life as normal... or at least we thought. 

Bitter
While fishing along the Trinity River Daniel got into poison oak. The itching was enough for him to make an appointment with his doctor. During the examination Daniel asked about a lump he had recently felt on his neck. This led to a series of tests and surgery. Yesterday he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. You may ask why am I telling you this? I believe in the power of prayer. God does not waste anything.  I am asking you to hold up Daniel, his wife Heidi, and their two children Joshua and Nevaeh. Of course we are praying for God's healing but also for his strength, grace, and mercy as we go through this as a family.

Bitter and Sweet
Life can have a bitter sting but most days are filled with the sweet goodness of those around me and God's endless love and grace.

Heidi and Daniel

Click here to learn more about Daniel and his journey.

Thank you,

Brenda

The Art of Letting Go

It took me a week after Mercy's death before I could bring myself to sketch her. I wasn't ready to let go, not yet. I needed time to process my feeling and why I was so shaken by her death. She looked to me to care for her and protect her. In the past I was able to pull her back from deaths door...this time I was powerless.

Time and time again I have turned to my sketchbooks as a healing tool. In these books I am able to express myself in ways words alone won't do. As an artist I am a visual person and it is here that I feel most comfortable. Within the pages of my sketchbooks are my highest highs and lowest low. The hurts, disappointments, joys, achievements...that have formed my life. Part of the sorrow in losing someone (person, animal or living thing) is that I will never see them again and I grieve that my memory of them will fade. I find painting a loved one is a power experience...expressive, healing, soothing and uplifting. The sketch is how I honor their memory...an act of love. When I am done their image is forever burned in my mind...and then I find rest.

I want to say thank you to everyone who wrote me a note (on and off the blog). Your comments and words of encouragement lifted my spirits.

Happy Sketching!

Brenda