Letting go is hard…especially when you don’t want to. Trying to hang on to a dream
(or someone) is like holding onto a rope that was slipping through my hands. The tighter I held on, the deeper the rope cut into my flesh…until holding on was more painful than letting go.
|Holding my Dad's hand|
If you’ve followed my blog you’ve likely recall a difficult time for our family. Within 9 months my Step-Dad and Dad both died and my son was diagnosed with cancer.
At the time my son was diagnosed he and his lovely wife had two children, a 15 month old son and a 3 month old little girl. I learned so much about faith, strength and love by watching my daughter-in-love. Heidi is amazing, full of love, grace, faith and beauty. I learned how strong my son was, too. We did what we could to help out through different forms of support (time, money, prayer…) and love. I could not accepted cancer might take his life…he was only 31. Three years later he is still in remission.
A few months ago my son accepted a job in Tennessee. Within three weeks they were gone…my heart broke. There is very little we have any control over…actually nothing. Letting go is hard…especially when you don’t want to.
Time has a way of taking away the sting. Art has always been where I go to heal. Part of the healing process was painting the three children (yes they had another child). Studying their faces was meditative and healing. Painting is my way of honoring, loving and burning their images in my mind. The day after I finished painting Joshua I had something happen. His portrait looked so warm and alive but when I touched the paper it was cold. I was startled because he was alive and present when I was painting him…I expected the image to be warm like his skin. It made me cry.
The process of painting the children was healing. I grew in the process. Anything that stops growing begins to die and I'm still growing which means I am alive.
We’re learning how to stay connected in different ways. But it’s not the same as reading stories, trains rides, trips to the zoo, hugs, marshmallows…
Looking forward to seeing Heidi and the kids this summer!